Totally Unwell

The Body was now topped up to at least 90% alcohol. The weather had also turned a little wet, so we ended up inside whilst the BBQ crackled on outside.

Once inside we became aware of the pubs cup collection. A Cup from every Football Club in the Land nice.

However I don't suggest asking for "A Weird Drink" in here as this place doesn't do Weird Drinks....if you want Weird Drinks you have to go into town. OK then.

As the night went on, we realised the pub was slipping slowly into the river. It wasn't obvious at first, but check out the picture to the left, you can definitely see the sway effect caused by the subsidence. Reports that "The Smithfields" is now floating up the Trent are unconfirmed.

We left in Joni Mitchells "Big Yellow Taxi"

When you are lost, there is only one thing to do. Ask a Local - and here is our resplendent Local.

His "old school" pointing of the the arm was textbook, but he did tell us to make haste "before the demons arise from their slumbers, and cast you into the pits of hades".

With this in mind off we ran into the night (and more directionally along the river).

Not a clue what the next pub was called but the "Karaoke King" was having a whale of a time. His friend seemed happy as well.

"Thumbs Up" is international sign language for "Party, Party, Party"

From here we went further a long the "river of dreams" a song written by Billy Joel about Derby's modern waterway system.

In a brief moment of respite we sat on a wall under a bridge. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Check out the awesome "Chavs Death" graffiti, which I don't remember seeing at the time, but now feel a lot better for it.

From this den, we headed north to "The Smithfields" - with a much needed BBQ.

Most Folk in Derby were very friendly (to the point of serious leg stroking) however the landlady here was determined to not let any fun happen in her pub. Not whilst it was a Local Pub for Local People (and she had a last breath in her big fat body)

Here is the view over the back fence, the same fence we would make quick our getaway by jumping over, to avoid the wrath of the "Bar Beast". I did get quite a few Balloon & Party Ideas though.
Here are some of the reasons the "Bar Beast" might have become angry with us.

It was about this time that the lack of food was taking hold, so it was wise to move on. However due the alcohol our impeccable sense of direction had got slightly mislaid.

Probably in the same bush we had to hide and bury the Beer Festival Tankards in.

For those of you who where there. You Kept it Real. You Lived The Dream. God Bless.

The Old Silk Mill, has a unique bench that is attached to the front of the pub. Perfect for checking out some Peregrine Falcon action (at the Cathedral, opposite).

Here are some particularly keen "fanciers" enjoying what has become Derby's biggest past time of the summer so far. The World Cup? When was that? We've been watching Falcons like Hawks.

From here we walked somewhere, and ended up at the Exeter Arms. As they like to say in The League Of Gentlemen: "Are You Local"

Ye Olde Dolphin Inn is an old pub, even older than Wetherspoons. Recommended by people from the cult CAMRA, it was a nice break from the Sweaty Peter Heat at the Assembly rooms.

Obviously we had to meet some people and here they are. Heralding from that regal city of Lincoln, they had clocked up many a year at beer festivals. Arriving for Festival Magic on several Cheap Day Saver Return Deals, they knew that you:

"Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough"

The Guy Next to me can now get some Business Cards. Of that, I am certain.

From here we crossed the road to the "Old Silk Mill". Sporting a rather nifty Mural on the side, this pub appeared to sell even more beer. Madness.

And this is were things started getting messy. Very Messy

I have won myself a house, and the lifestyle of my boss (however I will limit the cheese & salad consumption). Nice. All I need to do now is to break the news to mama - and prepare her for the new tennants. Anyways, here is a pictorial of a little place in the country, I like to call Derby. The home of the peregrine falcon. Hmmmm.

Take flight my little beauty. It made me want to say:

"Reeto! Craaaiiig David 'ere with our Kes"

Chronology may work on this post, rather than scatology or ornothology, so lets start at the beginning. Cue Scooby Doo music.

After negotiating the Japanese Workforce of the Toyota Plant, we came across this building. Immediately we knew Derby was going to be the place for "a certain" rumbustious behaviour.

The central premise of this sojourn was to "experiment" with a selection of Real Ale Beverages, at the Derby CAMRA Beer Festival. We expected 100's of delicate, but strong ales and were not disappointed. However the selection of CAMRA "Mavericks" was something of an eye opener. Here are a selection of some of the "craziest" Mofo's ever to grace the Derby Assembly Rooms Polished Floors.
You will see that CAMRA is an all embracing body. One of the few remaining bodies in our fair nation that allows a man to wear homemade patchwork jeans. The guy in the middle shows what can happen when you make it your weeks work to "tick off & try" every ale at the festival.

Guy on the far right was a particularly greasy Peter, who took great pleasure in standing extremely close to us. Not pleasant at all.

Entertainment was provided by the band from Back to the Future. Who said they wouldn't go on to do anything? Bigger than Michael J.Fox? You Betcha.

If you thought this was the only "experiment den" you would be very much mistaken, there were more rooms - with more ale. So with that in mind, we went to another room, a room I liked to call "the other room with some more ale in which you can only order by number"

It was in this room where we ran into the "Greatest Ale Ever to Grace My Palette©". A Newton Medium Perry - a finalist at the Reading Festival 2006 - the taste of sticky toffee. Hmmmm, salivation heaven.
I was salivating even more when I ran into this "young man" carrying two Buckets. Mad.

Here is some rare footage captured from the short movie "Old Man with Two Buckets."

Dominic Dobb (only one) and Adrian found it very funny that the man had holes in his buckets. The Ol'Fool. I just thought he was suffering from incontinence, he certainly smelled of incontinence.

Nice Man. Nice Buckets.

An excellent Vibe, though people thought we should have been at a CAMERA convention with the amount of shots we were taking (chortle, chortle).

What we did learn though is that when you go to a Beer Festival it always pays to have a CAMRA Real Ale Utility Belt. Perfect for the man about town, who only has 2 hands. Here is a guy sporting the Spring Summer style - perfect with khaki chaps and a stripey top.

A much better idea than the "Beers Strapped to Face" system.

Chuck out time happened at 4.00 so we then had to say our goodbyes, and run past the excitable charity collectors.

Onwards and upwards. Which only means one thing in Derby - "Ye Olde Dolphin Inn". Yadda Yadda